Making the most of your IT department

1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier or fax machine doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE or BUSY SIGNAL message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have an IT person fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy .

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into an IT person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

Just found this post on a newsgroup… i feel his pain.

I'm a network admin for a poor underfunded school. The children would love to use their computers oh yes, but SOME $#@^#@^#@&#@%$$#@ @#%!@^$#@^!#@^#@^$#@^$@$#^ VISTA $#@^$@^@ and some $#@^@##^@$#$#@$#@^$#@ HP BRILLIANT MINDS GOT TOGETHER.
The merging of the HP 6515b and Vista is the most horrific combination ever conceived. I should slay these computers on a sacred altar while covering myself in Holy Water. THIS MODLE SHOULD BE NAMED THE "666." WHAT A PILE.
Ok- now that my blood pressure is returning to normal let's get to my problem.
I too cannot log in on any account unless I go into safe mode. Then I decide to disable the credentials manager - > specifically the fingerprint reader as 23587250723032 kids have used the thing and the HP engineer probably didn't expect that to happen when he programmed that "feature" into this fetid product.
Anyway - I'd love to disable it all, but it keeps giving me errors that "The Security Manager doesn't want to do that right now" or "Can't be contacted." GET THE ****ING THING OUT OF BED GOD DAMMIT IM THE GOD DAMN ****ING ADMIN AND I CANT EVEN LOG IN MY OWN ****ING COMPUTER YOU PIECE OF ****. **** YOU HP AND **** YOUR MOTHER BILL GATES. WE WERE BETTER OFF WITH XP BUT NOW WE CANT EVEN BUY IT BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS WANT TO FORCE US WITH THIS ****.
**** **** **** **** **** IM GOIN TO GO PISS ON THIS COMPUTER
/SLAM.
PS: **** YOU

L4D2 is here and it’s better than sex!

After months of waiting, and hardcore practicing on L4D1, finally it’s here.  The game that somehow improves on the genius that was L4D.  More zombies, more gore, more weapons & more special infected.

The difficulty has certainly been ramped up in this one… on a full play through last night, normal difficulty, realism off, only 2/3 of us survived all 5 campaigns… strangely it was the same 2 every time. Yes @fatmankev I'm looking at you with your female boomer fetish.

One level had us walking through a witch infested sugar mill… and when i say infested i don’t mean the standard 1 maybe 2 witches, i mean we encountered at least 8, and as it was set in the day, they’re walking around making it MUCH harder to avoid them.

The special infected, now joined by the Spitter, the Jockey, and the Charger work together far better.  So many times we were jumped by 3 different specials at one time working as a team to screw you over. For instance, near a witch, a jockey will jump on you and ride you into the witch causing you to startle her… think you can back into a corner and punch to survive? NO! Apart from the stamina bar now appearing in ALL game modes, the charger and Spitter are there to stop this completely.  Stay still in a corner too long, here comes a Spitter hocking up acid at your feet, the longer you’re in the acid, the quicker you take damage, you can easily be incapacitated in under 10 seconds.  Maybe a charger will get you, running head on into your corner scattering your team and grabbing one of you repeatedly slamming you into the ground until either you or he is dead.

The director (now Director 2.0) is dramatically improved, it will change the level design depending on how you are doing, it will change the weather (Hard Rain campaign, heading back to the boat the storms force you to stick together or lose each other.  Storms = Horde btw, Heavy rain, reduced visibility, flooding which slows you down, and hundreds of zombies).

Thankfully we have new weaponry… melee… I’m a huge fan of melee kills anyway and one of my first achievements in L4D2 was the “decapitate 200 zombies with a melee weapon” achievement.  The Katana and Machete are fantastic for slicing through hordes, and the frying pan is so satisfying!  The only one I'm not keen on is the night-stick, it just doesn’t feel powerful enough (in fairness, it is accurate, i would rather take on the zombie horde with a Machete or Katana than a nightstick anyway).

So our first full play through was awesome despite the power cuts during 2 campaigns forcing our Xboxes to reboot.  We will be doing another quick run through a couple of campaigns tonight before the pub, and then to test it’s drunken appeal afterwards…  More soon.  For reference the players were Gazmo81, Fat Man Kev48, and Vryolaka.  Waiting for Deadly Dink and BennyK23 to join the fun.

XBox 360 Live Dashboard Beta

Just been accepted as a Beta tester for the XBOX Live dashboard update!  Link to the new features is below.

https://connect.microsoft.com/content/content.aspx?ContentID=13143&IsDraft=False&SiteID=719&wa=wsignin1.0 

No facebook or twitter yet though :-(

Off Topic – No IE Bundled in Windows 7 for Europe

Click this link, and you’ll see what I'm talking about in the rest of this post.  Oh and before anyone says anything, I'm not a MS Fan boy! I

No IE in Windows 7 in Europe

It was only a matter of time, I’ve been following the anti competitive cases against MS for a while now. They had to back down eventually. Despite the fact that their biggest competitors in the browser market are Mozilla with Firefox and as that is a completely free web browser developed as open-source (i.e. you can download the raw code, and do what you like with it… it’s a public project, that’s the whole point of Mozilla, a company run by users creating software for users). The only other competition is Google chrome and safari, safari has no leg to stand on as they own the Mac market being developed by Apple (internet explorer cant run on an apple Mac… where’s the anti-competitive law suit against them?) and Google are less concerned with the browser wars than the search engine wars now that Microsoft have made Bing live (their new, very pretty and quite good search engine­­). It just makes me laugh that everyone hates Microsoft so much that they are the ones having to bow to everyone.

Nobody else makes a worthwhile operating system. Surely it’s their prerogative to put their own software in the bundle?? Anyone who wants to use a different browser can easily download one and use it… but apart from the main couple of competitors, the rest lack any functionality!

The scary thing is, that I’ve always been quite anti-MS but now I’m defending them… perhaps it’s the fact that recently they’ve excelled themselves with Windows 7 being their best and most stable operating system yet… even though it’s still in the testing phase it’s great! Their new search engine is definitely worth using as a Google alternative, and their announcements at E3 were fantastic…

I honestly don’t feel that IE is forced on me, I don’t feel that windows media player is forced on me, I don’t feel that windows as a whole is forced on me. I choose to use IE because it works, and Firefox has become increasingly slow. I use winamp over windows media player because it had the functionality I wanted YEARS before windows media player, and I’m now comfortable with it, but WMP is now a viable alternative, and finally I use Windows because I really cannot be bothered to learn Linux and I hate MacOS, not that it runs on a PC anyway (well, I just don’t like anything made by apple, iPhone?? NO! Give me a Nokia N Series any day, IPod? NO! I use my mobile, Quicktime? NO! How many adverts and crap can you fit in one bit of software without being real-player! iTunes? Why do I want to use that when I can use winamp and rip my own mp3s??)

Rant over :-)

It’s all about the Saints…

Well as mentioned yesterday, I’m back on Saints Row 2. Really getting into it much more this time around, just shows the difference between Solo and Co-Op play on some games.  I still love my PS3 (I'll love it a whole lot more when i get my HDMI cable back up from the living room and can actually use it) BUT the game is just so much better when there’s someone else to play it with co-operatively. 

The diversions… I've actually finished some of them now, not so much because of the help, more for the fact that if Gazmo81 can do it, so can I!!

The cut scenes are fantastic, the fact that my character (a man, bright green Mohawk, moustache, mutton chop sideburns, all over tattoos) is wearing his little black dress and red stilettos in every cut scene and NOBODY bats an eyelid :-D.

It’s not a game for easy achievements, although going through the story in co-op earns you around 200G (40G for the campaign, 25G for doing it Co-Op, and then another achievement for finishing all 3 campaigns, plus probably another for doing all 3 Co-Op).

There’s so much to do in the game too, diversions and mini games, unlockables that aren’t linked to achievements at all, most that are un-documented and just appear after doing certain things.

The best distraction so far has to be “Fight Club”.  The joy of standing in a room with 6 NPC’s (more if co-op) and having only Melee attacks to defend yourself with is fantastic.  Yes you get weapons thrown in but there’s nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned beat-down :-)

Anyway, progress so far… Gazmo81 and myself have taken down the Ronin and Sons Of Samedi… we are well on our way to taking out the Brotherhood too.  I now own and have fully pimped out every crib in the game, I've finished the fight club distraction and managed to find around 16 stunt jumps… My character keeps singing along to Aha – Take On Me (hmmm.. 10G for the first time he does that) and I'm working on the Nut Shot achievement.

Should be getting Prototype at the weekend, that looks to be an ultra-violent crackdown style game… SWEEEET!

P.s. FMK48’s card is shown just to show how far behind he now is… despite the 1000G from TMNT lol :-)

Left 4 Dead 2!!!

E3 the awesome games expo it is has had a fantastic surprise for us all recently with the announcement of Left 4 Dead 2! Due for release on 17th November 2009.... Bring it on!!

In the mean time Gazmo81 and myself have been steaming through...

Rainbow Six Vegas
Rainbow Six Vegas 2
Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter
Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2
Crackdown
Saints Row 2
Halo 3
Gears Of War
Gears Of War 2
and hopefully if i can track down a cheap enough copy, Mercenaries 2 - World In Flames (i have it on PS3 just need it on 360).

Other than that the only other game i've played worth mentioning is Bionic Commando.

On another note I have managed to overtake Fat Man Kev 48's gamer score, helped slightly by 1000 pointing TMNT (courtesy of Gazmo81 buying it and lending it) and 750 pointing NBA 2K6 (i'm still trying for that last 250pt achievement). King Kong is the next to get the 1000G treatment, once Gazmo81 has finished it himself.

Saints Row 2 is the latest in a long line of Co-Op conquests, so far we've taken down the Ronin, just the Brotherhood and Sons of Samedi to take down next (then of course the DLC).

L4D Survival Pack is LIVE!

The L4D survival pack has gone live.  It includes the Dead air and Death Toll campaigns for VS mode, and a whole new mode to play.  Survival mode where you are pitted against wave after wave of zombies.  So far it seems that the tank spawns at 40 seconds, regardless of what else is attacking, after that it spawns at 1:40 and seems like it’s every minute from there.

There appear to be glitches in most levels allowing for easy golds.  So far i’ve found one.  The crane level appears to have one too, and there are rumours of the jesus rock (Death Toll – Boathouse) and the jesus room (No Mercy – Rooftop) still working on occasion.  The rankings for Bronze, Silver and Gold are as follows.

4:00 – Bronze Medal
7:00 – Silver Medal
10:00 – Gold Medal

So far Gazmo81 and myself have a gold on the Warehouse and with the help of Fat Man Kev 48 the bronze on the new level – Last Stand (on a lighthouse, awesome when the tank punches you off the top and you fly off the map :-))

3/4 of the way there!!

After a 2hr 17minute session on Death Toll – Expert mode.  Gazmo81 and I managed to survive the campaign, unfortunately we had to leave BennyK to take on a smoker, tank and horde all on his own… it was a tragic loss to the team, he nearly cried (he’s not survived a campaign on expert yet).  I can’t help but feel a little guilty as i’ve managed to survive 5 times on expert so far and poor Capt Ridikulous (the artist formerly known as Iron Man Jakes) and BennyK have had to sacrifice their lives for the good of me and Gazmo…. oh well better luck next time boys.

Oh yeah… it was all thanks to Gazmo finding the “Jesus Rock” for us to stand on :-) so far we have a room on no mercy, and a rock on Death Toll, and some serious tactics on Dead Air… only Blood Harvest left to do… it’s going to be an absolute arse!!!!

On another note, after the release of Resident Evil 5 i’ve been a little quiet on the L4D front.  I now have 5 achievements left to get on Resi5.  Headshot a zombie while he’s jumping, Deflect an arrow with a knife, Fully upgrade all weapons (i have 3 left to go, all part upgraded already), Complete all chapters on professional mode, and chain the maximum number of combos together.  The combos one should be easy, after reading a blog post on it, all you have to do is fight a big fat man in coop mode on Veteran, shoot him till he stumbles, punch him, sheva kicks him, and run up for a 3rd hit and bingo, there’s your achievement.  The weapons one should only take another day or so to do, then i’ll go for the headshot and deflect an arrow, both really need doing on coop as sheva’s AI is a bit trigger happy for doing these achivements.  Awesome game though, i’ve finished it around 5 times now so far for various reasons (3 to get all 3 standard difficulties and the other two for BSAA symbols and Treasures, oh and completing it in under 5 hours, and getting an S ranking on all levels…) then it’s onto mercinaries mode to get the rest of the unlockables.  I may go for 100% completion on this one, although i hear professional mode reduces your weapons effectiveness considerably and zombies do MUCH more damage….  oh well after L4D on expert, i’m up for a challenge! :-)

6 Hour monday night session

Another succesful night on L4D… apart from the complete lack of success with regards to completing ANY campaign on expert… Although between Gazmo and myself we helped Iron Man Jakes to get a few achievements and I demonstrated to him how to get the All 4 Dead achievement (somehow i’ve managed to do that twice in less than a week :-) i fucking rule!)

We have a nice little witch hunting trick at the moment… it plays on a glitch that she’s unable to turn around once she’s attacking you… so if you stand behind her when you startle her you can shoot to your hearts content and she can’t do anything to you!

Another neat little trick that helped me end a round vs Jakes and Benny is the smoker instant kill on No Mercy’s Final level… i love it, just get the first one out of the hatch with a smoker and he’s dead, no saving him, no health lost, just plain dead :-)

We managed our untouchables achievement yesterday in the 11 hour session… On Dead Air, back up against the plane, we used 3 human & one computer character, each defend a different angle, and make sure the computer stays well away from zombies… the hardest part is actually getting the computer on the plane, they have a tendancy to stand at the door trying to kill a few zombies first… in which case you have to be quick on the trigger (and bloody accurate) to save her…

Tanks can be taken down with a molotov and using the assault rifle… 3 of you emptying a full clip each takes him down before he’s even reached the hill…

Our last game tonight was an awesome one… Jakes, Gazmo, Benny and I on one team, 4 randomers on another… Their score… 1600… or score over 3200…  We got some awesome streaks in that… and the only exploits we used were skipping the crescendo event at the gas station and killing the witch… a few cheeky moments of standing near a witch as an infected to lure their fire, and best of all… watching another team try our witch trick and die in failure :-D if only they watched YouTube! :-)

6 Hour Session

Well it started with Me and Dink going for Achievements, soon to be Joined by Gazmo and Iron Man Jakes for a helping hand… Dink got some of what he needed and we spent a good 2 hours going for the “Untouchables” achievement… we failed…

Onto versus mode… Myself and Dink vs. Gazmo, Benny, Fat Man Kev… Dink and I were being massacred all through… cue final showdown at the farm house… the rescue arrives, i spawn as a tank… ALL 4 DEAD!!! I am now 30 points above Gazmo and number 1 in our leaderboard… AWESOME :-) Plus i did a whole level in VS without firing a shot!

 

L4D Update… some good some bad

http://store.steampowered.com/news/2162/ Check out the update here… No Minigun trick anymore :-(

GTA IV – The Lost And Damned

Started playing last night… awesome! I’ll update as i get a better feel for it… Oh and my L4D achievements… 6 left to go :-D

Off Topic – Friday the 13th (2009)

Saw this last night… apart from the insanely predictable plot (as in, you see a character for the first time and within seconds anyone who’s watched a slasher movie before can see instantly who’s going to end up as a corpse and who’s going to live) i thoroughly enjoyed this, perhaps it was down to the fact that it was the first horror movie i’ve seen in the cinema in the last 2 years, maybe it was the interesting death scenes… a fantastic machete through a Jetty into a girl hiding underneath’s skull…  The only thing missing in my eyes was (as they made a point of two people standing right near it at separate moments in a rather ominous way with Jason close by) was “Death by bug zapper”.

My biggest problem with it was how Jason at times was superhuman but during the final battle with Jared Padalecki and his on screen sister, he was just another normal man in a hockey mask, overcome all too easily by a couple of kicks and punches.  Although in true F13 style… there’s always one last Jason moment :-) Worth a watch if you liked the others, not as good as the original movie, probably on a par with Freddy vs Jason, definitely better than a lot of the weaker offerings out of the now 12 movies (if you count Freddy vs Jason as a F13 / Nightmare movie). 

Plenty of kills, could have done with being made in the late 70’s or early 80’s for more gore, or at least having Tom Savini return for the effects but still worth a look.

http://www.fridaythe13thmovie.com/

L4D

More of us with L4D now :-D So far the most in a VS match has been 7 but that’s only coz i was asleep and didn’t know i could have been slaughtering infected… Only 140 damage points off my Dead Wrecking achievement too!!!  I’m slowly getting better although Gazmo is now ahead with the “Stomach Upset” achievement… GIT!!!  I feel another session coming on tonight…

Tip of the day… punch a mini-gun a few times, jump on it, and then jump off…. so much fun flying over everything, especially on No Mercy’s final level… suicide off of Mercy Hospital :-D

Off Topic - Gigs

2 Gigs in less than a week at the junction! Alkaline Trio last Wednesday (04-02-09) and Reel Big Fish last night (09-02-09)  Both gigs were awesome, photos are up on Facebook now! Here’s the link (there’s some pictures of snow in there too…) (2009 - So Far)

Another awesome L4D evening!

Last night after the pub, Gazmo81, BennyK and myself went for a bit of L4D versus mode… a few achievements here and there, i had both smoker ones, the hunter pins someone twice in one life, and the incapacitate a survivor who has entered and left a safe room… this put Gazmo and myself level on points again (only in this game). 

However, not to be outdone, and so i can be back on top… I just got Safety First… survive a whole campaign with nobody taking friendly fire damage… unfortunately i was the ONLY survivor on No Mercy on Easy… Zoe, Bill and Louis all got knocked off the hospital by the tank in the final hoard as the chopper arrived… damn fools but sod trying to save them.. i was on the chopper and quite happy there :-) I now have a total of 745/1000 on L4D (40/50 achievements) i doubt i’ll ever get 1000G from it because of the “Complete all campaigns on expert” one… what an arse! :-)

Bioshock Down :-)

Just finished Bioshock today… can’t be that long of a game, i recon I'd put in 2 hours prior to today and about 5 – 6 hours play today and I've bumped my Gamer Score up by 610!!! Great game though, may have to find out whether part 2 is already out or not and get that :-) Catching up with Fat Man Kev48’s score now too :-)

Gaming tonight!

Left 4 Dead versus mode tonight at Carlos763’s place… fingers crossed Gazmo 81, Fat Man Kev 48, Deadly Dink, and BennyK will get involved too…  Going for some versus trophies now after getting my “Man vs Tank” the other day… ON EXPERT! It was great, Zoe died from a boomer / horde.  Francis was taken down by the horde too on a stairwell, the tank came through a window.  I’d molotoved the room causing the tank to set on fire shouted Gazmo81 to leg it away (head back towards the beginning of the level, diving out of a window and run for the opening safe house) the tank seemed to get stuck somewhere in the building, and without having taken a single bullet burned to death on his way to kill us.  As it was my Molotov… 30G came my way in the form of “Achievement Unlocked – Man Vs Tank” :-D.  Time to go for my “Kill all 4 survivors with a tank in one sitting” So close the other day, 3 down one already dead….

Left 4 Dead – VICTORY

Gazmo81 and I kicked Fat Man Kev 48 and Benny K 23’s arses last night in VS mode… if only Zoe had still been alive i’d have the tank achievement for killing 4 in one turn… awesome teamwork, Gazmo81 vomits on the 3 survivors up the stairs and whilst blinded my tank incapacitates all 3 :-) AWESOME!